| | Finally on break from school and finally on break. No clinical work to show up for, no house to decorate, no in-laws to entertain. Just one whole week of nothing to do, so I sit in my pajamas all day long, nibbling from left overs in the fridge because even cooking a meal would be too much effort. I feel as if I must conserve every precious bit of energy to keep my going on the next leg of this journey. 3 months till the next exam the another in 2 months. So many opportunities for th crippling stress to take hold.
Typically I'm anxious to get back to class. So many new things to learn and explore, but this term I'm not. Last semester took me to a very dark place in myself and I really don't want to go there again. I've been given all kinds of wonderful advice on how to not succumb to the panic attacks and crying fits that come about when I realize I've been staring at the same flash card for 45 minutes and still can't remember what's on the back. I know I'm not thick, I know the material isn't beyond comprehension. In fact I comprehend it just fine, I just can't commit all of the fine, tongue twisting words to memory. There's no room, it's all full. Yet, there is 2.5 years worth of material yet to be crammed. Time is helpful tool. When I sit with the information (after the exam) in time to seeps into my subconscious and further to the conscious. Unfortunately this is long past the time when I'm expected to know it. Little consolation.
Yes, there is always the opportunity to resit the exams in August. An experience I'm already familiar with and not fond of. The benefit of time is there, but the looming thought of failure as well. If the words don't come to me during the alloted 1.5 hour periods then I will have to repeat an entire year of course work. The last time I took the resits my hand shook so bad I had to steady it with the other to begin my essay. I've never been so anxious in my life. I passed then, which should give me some peace of mind for the future, but it doesn't.
I try to look at the positives of it all. If I do have to retake a year then I will be an expert at the material by the time I'm done. Yet, the $50,000 price tag for that year, as well as the extra time in Edinburgh weigh the scales to the side of pessimism. I'm trying to be optimistic, really trying, but the penetrating cold and persistent dark of Scotland are penetrating my spirit. I'm spent from fighting.
This all sounds as if I am hating my life right now, but I'm not. I love my life with Tim and the wonderful friends I've made here. I love the course work and the time I spend on farms and in clinics. If I didn't find some joy in all of this I would stop now and pursue another goal. I'm happy with everything except the paralyzing fear of failing that grips me. Last year it would take hold a week or two before an exam, but I could easily push it away and move on...this year it hit me in week 3 of lectures and hasn't left. Fear is exhausting and tormenting. I loathe fear. I forever strive to confront it, overcome it, move beyond it. For the first time in a long time, I am stuck in fear. The main difference is this time I know it. I know it and yet, feel powerless against it.
I'm on break now and can pretend that next term won't be the same. Have a new outlook, try again all of the meditation and relaxation techniques I've learned over the years. But I'm scared. I don't want to fall into the grip of fear again. I don't want to toss and turn and talk in my sleep. Wake up to the alarm clock only to realize I have really rested. While I "slept" my brain stayed active working, sprinting and now I'm more tapped then when I laid down the night before. I don't want to go to bed at night and suddenly feel my chest tighten up, breathing go short and shallow, muscles tense and throb with pain.
I want to sleep, to relax, to enjoy the life I have and the wonder and fascination of medicine. I want to live again, free of fear.
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| | Posted 1/1/2008 12:56 PM - 69 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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